In the last essay I wrote about forgiveness, unconditional forgiveness. But I did not discuss how difficult -- if not sometimes impossible—this is for some of us. We find that we can bear offences against ourselves better than against a loved one. How can you forgive a rapist or a murderer when your own family is involved? How can you forgive an ex-son-in-law who has criminally abused your daughter and grandchildren?

In circulating extensively for many years among believers, I have found this, the inability to forgive -- or an unwillingness to forgive -- to be a monumental problem, perhaps the most common and most destructive problem among Christians. Some bear hurts and grudges for a lifetime, allowing them to fester for years deep inside their psyche. One man, a devoted Christian, could not, or would not, forgive his father of presumed offenses dating back to his boyhood. Those who do counseling will tell you that it is common for a daughter, or sometimes a son, to have so much resentment and anger built up against a mother that it becomes unrecognized hatred.

I recall years ago in a river town in Missouri after discoursing on the Lord’s Prayer in which I emphasized the need to forgive, I was approached by a dear sister, a longtime friend, who complained, "Leroy, do you expect me to forgive those (in that other church) who put my husband in his grave by their cruelty. He died of a broken heart because of the way his own brothers in Christ treated him. How could I ever forgive them?"

I knew her story. I was acquainted with what happened. It was ghastly, the way he was treated, a man who long years before helped plant the congregation, and had put much time and money into the work. At last he was rejected and ousted through devious tactics, only because he began to entertain other points of view, such as a broader view as to who is a Christian. And I suspect his wife was right that those difficult years contributed to his untimely death. "They put him in his grave," as she put it. And I was telling her she should forgive them!

I assured her that I understood, and I agreed that it was probably impossible for her to forgive, at least for now. But I added, "In the meantime I don’t think you should pray the Lord’s Prayer – certainly not the petition ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.’"

I went on to tell her to unburden herself to God, and lay before him what she had told me – that she simply could not find it in her heart to forgive. I went on, rather daringly, to advise that she ask Christ to forgive them through her. She agreed that Christ would forgive them. So, I assured her, since Christ is in you, ask him to forgive through you, until you have a change of heart. Eventually this will bring you victory.

I have no other answer for those who, understandably, cannot forgive. The Bible assures us that "The Spirit helps us in our weaknesses. For we do not know how to pray as we ought" – which would include the hurts and grudges we bear –– "but the Spirit himself makes intercession for us." (Romans 8:26).

If we look to the Spirit to pray the prayer of forgiveness for us, and for Christ to forgive through us, our spirit will, in time, "bear witness with his Spirit" (Romans 8:16) and we will have won in "the struggle against sin" (Hebrews 12:4).

This struggle or striving against sin is not to be taken lightly as a fact of the believer’s life. The apostle Paul makes it clear that we are in a warfare, "the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh" (Galatians 5:17). The crucible – our spiritual nature against our carnal nature – is ongoing. It never completely ends so long as we are in this world. This is because our carnal nature is always part of who we are. And it means we will lose some battles, even if in the end we win the war because of Christ.

Paul laid bare his soul: "I am carnal, sold under sin." He went on to say what would apply to the subject at hand: "What I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do" (Romans 7:14-15). This should be of some comfort to those who can’t forgive. Paul himself conceded that he couldn’t do some things he wanted to do. What he hated to do is what he did!

Paul’s anguished cry – "O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" – is the cry of us all. He found his only answer in that which I sought to convey to the sister in Missouri: "Thank God – through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25).

It is crucial that we never give up the struggle. Sin can become an addiction. We can become addictive to holding grudges. Not only can sex become addictive, but lust as well. Many a man may be tempted to give up the fight and yield to his carnal nature, for it seems impossible to control lustful thoughts. This he must not do. We are to struggle against sin, and not allow it to dominate.

This is why we must always sue for grace and mercy. "God, be merciful to me, a sinner" is always in order. We will not be in heaven because we won all the battles, but because of God’s grace.

So, having a problem of not being able to forgive – or lust or any other besetting sin – isn’t the worst of conditions. The worst of conditions is not caring, in giving up the fight in the struggle against sin, and in not drawing upon the one resource that will one day be our victory, Jesus Christ himself.

Note

I announced last week that along with lecturing at Milligan College in Johnson City, Tn., March14-16, I would speak at Forest Home Church of Christ in Franklin, Tn., March12, and at the Forest Mill Church of Christ, Manchester, Tn., March l9. A third church is now on the list – Owens Chapel Church of Christ in Brentwood, Tn., March 12 at 5 p.m. Owens Chapel is the oldest continuing Church of Christ in Tennessee, dating back to 1859.

The back essays are available at www.leroygarrett.org