WHAT DOES A PREACHER DO WHEN HIS WIFE IS LESBIAN?
(Since the story told herein was recently made public at the Central Church of Christ in St. Louis, I am not revealing any secrets. Besides, I have permission from the minister involved to use his experience in any way that might help others. Even so we will identify the minister and his wife only by their first names. — Editor )
It was both a dramatic and traumatic moment when Barry, the minister of the Central Church of Christ in St. Louis, had some things to say about homosexuality in his Sunday morning sermon — and then announced to the congregation that his wife was Lesbian! It was dramatic because it brought into the church and even the pulpit, to the amazement of the congregation, a problem that they had only heard about out there in the world. It was traumatic because the minister spoke with a broken heart, after years of futile efforts to solve an insolvable problem, and the congregation, previously unaware of his dilemma, agonized with him. He told them that what he was revealing to them was not only controversial but it would bar him from most churches.
The minister humbly told his people that he did not want to be a stumbling block to anyone, and he did not want the minister of the Central church to be a bad example because of a failed marriage. He would resign. He has since left St. Louis and is doing graduate studies until he can get his ministry back on track.
In his sermon he laid on his congregation a question that was probably the most demanding he had ever asked them: "What do we do with Rene?," which was both the title of his sermon and a reference to his homosexual wife. He told Rene's gripping story to the astonished assembly even as she sat among them.
He told how while Rene was growing up she always had trouble fitting into the role that was expected of her by her parents and by society. As a teenager she did not like who she was. She was barely 18 when she and Barry married, and it soon became evident that she also had a problem being a wife. Rene was not sure at this time what her problem was, and she subconsciously denied what was becoming evident to her. Two years after the marriage she became acquainted with people with whom she could identify, gays and Lesbians, and at last faced the fact that she too was homosexual.
But she refused to yield to such a fate. She and Barry moved to another town and recommitted their lives to the Lord. She turned her problem over to God and struggled to change what she was. It was a struggle that had no end and it virtually consumed her.
Years passed and they were at last with the Central church in St. Louis. On that Sunday morning Barry said to the church, "I did not realize these past three or four years that Rene had been struggling so hard with this. About six weeks ago she came tome in tears, 'God made me wrong,' she cried. The struggle had worn her out. She couldn't go on any longer pretending to be someone she wasn't." After several weeks of counseling they decided to separate, a decision that was not made lightly, for they knew it would hurt many people. Fortunately there were no children to list among the casualties of another broken home.
Barry is now furthering his education in Oklahoma. Rene has joined the Metropolitan Community Church in St. Louis, a denomination for (but not exclusively for) gays and Lesbians, where she has found some relief from the sordid and promiscuous gay lifestyle of which she disapproves. While the MCC does approve of homosexual relations, it seeks to instill Christian discipline and moderation in the lives of its members. Barry says that Rene is a very spiritual person and he is thankful that there is a church that will accept her as she is, though he supposes that she will have some doctrinal problems in moving from the Church of Christ to the MCC. I am impressed by the way he writes to me of his loving concern for her wellbeing. He has loved his way through the tragedy. He has been badly hurt but he seems to understand, and understanding makes all the difference in the world.
But what impresses me most is the question he laid on his congregation and on us all in the Churches of Christ. What are we going to do with Rene and all the others like her in our midst?
Barry told his church that whatever they may think of homosexuality Rene should not be treated as a leper. He told them that she is just like the rest of them — kind, responsible, loving — except in one respect, she is gay. He is convinced that Rene did not choose to be gay, that she has been that way since childhood. He referred to some of the passages about homosexual behavior and concluded that they refer to lustful, inordinate, and wicked behavior on the part of people who are in rebellion against God, and that Rene is not that kind of person. And yet she is homosexual.
He spoke of the pain that gays suffer, especially those who are Christians and long to be accepted. Some are driven to drugs, alcohol, and even suicide. He told of a friend of his, a young man in one of our Christian colleges, a dedicated Christian, who keeps falling in love, but always with a man, a compulsion that is beyond his control. He is so pained by it all that he would commit suicide, except that he realizes this too would be wrong. Barry then told his church that while he cannot approve of the gay lifestyle, "God did not make me judge, so I choose to withhold judgment on those homosexual Christians who choose to accept their homosexuality."
That was his answer as to what to do with Rene — accept her, without necessarily approving of all that she may believe or do. It is not clear what his congregation decided to do with Rene. The reaction was probably mixed. He closed his sermon by telling them that there was a church for homosexuals who would accept Rene as she is, which I suppose implied that the Church of Christ is not such a church.
It was indeed an unusual sermon and it must have been an unforgettable experience, a minister laying bare his agonizing soul and resigning because his wife is Lesbian. Is is beyond our spiritual resources to deal with a problem like that? Can we not at least show compassion and weep like Jesus did? Must we be so much alike that we cannot deal constructively with a problem of that sort? Could not the church allow Barry and Rene to separate and yet remain in the church and in the ministry, while working out their difficulties in an atmosphere of love, forbearance, and longsuffering?
If we were
that kind of a church, it might be that many in the world out there
would say,
"That is what I have been
looking for!" Many people are like Barry and
What would
Jesus do with Rene? He would not of course approve of any sin
in her life, but he would be forbearing
and accepting. He came to our troubled world to seek, to save, and to
heal, not to condemn. The irresistible Christ! If the church on earth which
bears his name could only be like him! —
the Editor