WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FORGIVE?

“I had been a Christian for many years before I really believed in the forgiveness of sins, or more strictly before my theoretical belief became a reality to me. I fancy this may not be too uncommon.” —C. S. Lewis in Letters to An American Lady

In view of the above quotation C. S. Lewis would probably agree with the aged minister’s response to the question of what he would emphasize most in his preaching if he had his life to live over. The forgiveness of sins, he said. If we ponder the reality of it — that our sins, some open and despicable and some secret and shameful, are forgiven by God who is full of pity and mercy — it is almost too much for us. Pascal, who was at home with great ideas, saw forgiveness of sins as the most staggering of all human concepts.

Forgiveness is at the heart of the great devotional psalms, and the authors, like Lewis and Pascal, treat it as being as incomprehensible as it is glorious. David came to realize that God “discernest my thoughts from afar” and “art acquainted with all my ways,” even to a knowledge of “before a word is on my tongue, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.” This led him to say, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it (Psa. 139.6).

While David’s sin involved several people, he was so moved by the magnificence of God that he said in another psalm, “Against thee, thee only, have I sinned,” and then went on to plead for forgiveness, “Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.” Finally he names the condition of God’s forgiveness: “The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise” (Ps. 51:17).

Psa. 103 describes forgiveness as the removal of one’s guilt far from the presence of God: “As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” Micah 7:19 puts it in similar terms: “He will again have compassion upon us, he will tread our iniquities under foot. Thou wilt cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” This is depicted early on in the life of Israel when Aaron laid his hands upon a live goat and confessed over him all the sins of the people and then sent him away far into the wilderness. Lev. 16:22 thus reads: “The goat shall bear all their iniquities upon him to a solitary land; and he shall let the goat go in the wilderness.” This is the glory of forgiveness: sins are cast into the depths of the sea where they cannot be recovered; they are as far removed as the east is from the west and are no longer in the presence of God; they are consigned to the solitary regions of the wilderness and are no longer in the consciousness of God. Even the Old Testament recognizes that such a blessing as forgiveness comes only by the grace of God. “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love,” we are told in Psa. 103:8, and that psalm goes on to say, “He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor requite us according to our iniquities” and even “As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear him.” This is the grace of God, his unconditional love, and his eagerness to forgive. And to forgive means that He takes our sins and removes them far from His presence, casting them into the depths of the sea, never to haunt us anymore. This is the grace that is greater than all our sins.

Forgiveness of sins is to be horizontal as well as vertical, for it is only as we forgive one another that God forgives us. It is remarkable that Jesus emphasized this truth as he taught his disciples to pray. “Forgive us our trespasses,” he taught them to pray, “as we forgive those who trespass against us.” And he went on to tell them, “for if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Mt 5:14-15). This does not mean that God is obligated to forgive us if we forgive, for forgiveness is always a matter of God’s grace, just as it is grace on our part when we forgive others. If a person “deserves” forgiveness, it is not true forgiveness that is extended.

Recently when I spoke on the Lord’s prayer, I warned that one should not pray the Lord’s prayer if there are those he will not forgive. A sister told me afterwards that she was disturbed by what I had said, for there were those that had so severely abused her family that there was no way she could forgive. Knowing something of the trials she had gone through, I could share her agony, but I nonetheless urged her to deal with her problem in prayer and to refuse an unforgiving attitude as final. I conceded that the circumstances that had engulfed her might be greater than her power to forgive, and that she would have to allow the Christ to forgive her persecutors through her. “You can allow him to take over your heart to such a degree that he forgives them through you,” I assured her. “After all, look at the forgiveness of Jesus on the Cross,” I added.

The older I grow and the more extensive my experience among the churches, the more persuaded am I that an unforgiving spirit is both deep and widespread among us. Most Christians harbor hurts, insults, resentment, and maltreatment of various sorts. Such feelings run deep in every church and there is hardly a family that is not bruised by them. It is common for those who belong to the same church to avoid any kind of close fellowship, and it is amazing how some folk can attend the same congregation for years without ever speaking to each other. Many there are who avoid family gatherings if “he” or “she” or “they” are to be there, of if they attend they manage to avoid any close contact and it is often a brother or a sister or even a parent. I have made a point of asking a number of people lately, and I find that most people have a problem forgiving. And those same people suppose they have good reason for their feelings — “After all, look what they did to me!, “they will say. Most of the reasons are probably good ones. Our Lord certainly had a good reason for not forgiving as he hanged suspended on the Cross. Look at what they did to him!

Neither have I been immune to the malady of an unforgiving spirit, especially toward those who would hurt those close to me. It is one of those things I have had to “work on” in my heart of hearts, now and again through the years. That, I am persuaded, is crucial to the problem, that we keep working at it, weeding out the hurt feelings by means of God’s sustaining grace. If down deep in our hearts we have the desire to forgive, even when we find it very difficult, we are close to forgiveness. It is when resentment turns to hate and vengeance and we don’t want to forgive that we are in trouble.

I have worked out some conclusions that may prove helpful to those who have trouble forgiving or with their feelings toward certain people. Some of the points have to do with correcting some misconceptions. Given the idea some people have of it, forgiveness is impossible.

1. Forgiveness is not forgetting. I find no relationship between forgiveness and forgetting, though this is a common view. We can of course “forget” in the sense that we do not let it dominate our thoughts or influence our attitude or behavior. If someone borrows money from you and refuses to repay, even when he can, there is no way for you to “forget” this in the sense that you are no longer aware of it. But you can at last forgive him in that you will not allow it to affect the way you feel toward him or treat him. Like God has done your sins against him, you can cast the old debt into the depths of the sea with no intention of recovering it. This means you will have no “list” of grievances, and you will never again remind him of it in the event of a confrontation with him.

No woman can forget the long years of abuse she took from the man she has since divorced. The old hurts are hard to forgive and impossible to forget. But after years of growing closer to the forgiving Christ she can forgive in that she can now pray that her once abusive husband will find his way to a good life and peace with God. Forgiveness has to do with what you want for the one who has wronged you. So long as you want him to have to “pay for it” or to “get it in the neck” or to go to hell for his foul deeds, you have not forgiven. It is when you now have goodwill in your heart toward him. You hope to see him in heaven with God, and you can pray that way. That is forgiveness. But that has nothing to do with forgetting. You will always remember, of course, but it will not matter anymore.

2. Forgiveness in not approval and not even liking. Sometimes when you refer to forgiveness the way Jesus did — “Forgive seventy times seven” — they will throw Hitler at you or perhaps the man who raped and murdered their daughter. In learning to forgive one must set more modest goals, such as forgiving your neighbor who allows his dog to befoul your lawn or the teacher who doesn’t grade your child the way you think she should or the person at the office who is always putting you down. In any case, we can forgive a person without approving of what he does. You can forgive the man for the debt he refuses to pay while still believing that he ought to pay it. You can forgive the one who gossips about you without approving of gossiping.

The woman who has at last forgiven her abusive husband is not obligated, therefore, to invite him to family gatherings. She can love him (agape love) without liking him (he forever destroyed that), and she can forgive him without associating with him. We all know people that we would not choose as companions, and we do not care to associate with them. But we can still love them, even if we do not like them, and we can forgive them if need be. The delicate line is in the nature of true Christian love: “Love (forgiveness) wills no ill to its neighbor” (Rom. 13:10). If we truly will nothing but good for the one who has wronged us we have the forgiving spirit. Love and forgiveness are the same in such contexts, for forgiveness is the expression of love toward the one who has abused us. Ideally, forgiveness should express itself in doing something good for the person, certainly in our secret prayers, but also if possible in some good deed. That makes for a good prayer: let us ask the Lord to give us an opportunity to do such a one some kind deed, even if (better if) he never knows about it.

3. We can forgive others on the same basis we forgive ourselves. This breaks it down to a size that we can handle. There are things I do not like about myself, and I am sometimes disgusted with myself. I strongly disapprove (even hate) some of my own actions. But still I have a forgiving attitude toward myself. I wish myself well. I seek peace and reconciliation for myself however wayward I may become. I am for myself; I seek those resources that will make me strong and give me victory eventually. And so I continue to be forgiving toward myself, however badly I may treat myself.

Is this not the key to forgiving others? I can hate what they do but still love them and forgive them. I can be on their side even when I disapprove. I can will them good even when they maltreat me.

This must be what Jesus was getting at when he taught that we are to love others as we love ourselves. If I always love me even when I do not like me, cannot I show this kind of forbearance toward very unlikeable people, including those that would do me in? I can believe that people are guilty and still love them, just as I can believe I am guilty while I love me.

C. S. Lewis, who never learned as much about forgiveness as he desired, pointed to one sure test. However disappointed we may be in ourselves, we always want to believe the best about ourselves, and so we do not put the worst possible interpretation on what we do. We are gracious, forbearing, forgiving toward ourselves. We want to believe the best about ourselves, even when the news is bad.

Are we that way toward others? That is the test. If we hear something bad about an enemy or someone who has done us dirt, are we pleased to hear it? Do we put the best or the worst interpretation on what such a one does? If a second report reveals that what he did was not so bad after all, are we pleased or disappointed?

This gets at the heart of forgiveness. When we love (forgive) others as we love (forgive) ourselves, then we can meaningfully pray the Lord’s prayer. It is then that the heavenly Father will forgive us out of his overflowing grace and mercy.

Those of us who are concerned for the unity of all Christians realize that it is basically the condemning, judgmental, unforgiving spirit that keeps us drawing lines on each other. When we have that heart that prays even in the face of blatant cruelty, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do,” a factious spirit will be intolerable. — the Editor.